I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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