so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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