she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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