I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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