Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Randomize
