I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
