i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
