sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
