NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I think I won the penis lottery.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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