Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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