I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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