What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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