MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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