I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
