So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
