Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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