Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I currently don't understand fingers.
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