if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Drunk is a universal language darling
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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