I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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