Your face is a jimmy john
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
