ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
