So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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