i just sold back the books i vomitted on
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
