Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
