You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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