I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
This is my gift to your gina
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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