Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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