i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
honey bunches of taint.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
