Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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