Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Are we still banned from the library?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
