I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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