i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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