It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
