I think i sorta joined a cult last night
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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