why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
