I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
