I feel like I'm in dance class right now
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
