cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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