$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
