So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Dick very happy bro
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
