I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
This house was built for laser tag.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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