just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
