I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
