wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
