Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm eating all of the evidence.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
