that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
