Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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