tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
