I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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