i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
What a dumb baby whore.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
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