Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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