Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
